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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jo_chan55's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 9th, 2013
8:56 am

I hate myself

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013
8:05 pm

It's been a while since I've written here. Although many of my previous posts had huge gaps of time between them as well. That doesn't mean I stopped writing of course. I have a whole file on my desktop filled with journal entries. It's the only thing that keeps me sane.

I've only ever been able to talk frankly with one person, my best friend. And both of our lives have become so hectic, so filled with work and things in order to keep ourselves afloat that we never have time to get together anymore. I've never really been able to actually open up entirely with anyone else, not because I don't trust them or anything like that. I just don't think they want to hear most of it. Everybody is different with what they can handle. Some people can't stand to hear from the person they love and care about, that the are not ok. They can't do anything to help most of the time so the knowledge jus eats away at them. Better to just not know in that case.So with that in mind, here I am, yet again.

My sister tried to kill herself 2 months ago. Ran away from home, left suicide notes. The police found her getting ready to jump. She was ok, spent a week and a half at the hospital under watch. Because of this we've all been to family counselling and such. I don't know if she wants to get better. I know how she feels. She's not in school right now, she dropped out for a while, been sitting at home since the attempt. Part of me is so sympathetic of how she feels, is so worried that she won't find her reason and will disappear again. The other part of me is so angry with her. When I tried to kill myself no one cared. She's been sitting at home, shutting everyone out while everyone is desperate to get in. So much effort has been made, but all she does is shoot down the people who are trying to prove that they love her. Even now I would kill for that. My mother bought her a horse and offered to move her out to the country to make her happy. I dropped down to 80lbs, cut myself so bad that my arms were just big bloody scabs with no intact flesh and went to school hungover everyday because I got piss drunk every night to escape from myself. No one said a word to me though.

I know that this is incredibly self indulgent and stupid. Everyone goes through their own pains and everyone is entitled to their own sorrows. I'm not trying to take my sisters pain from her, I am so happy that my family is refusing to let her slip through the cracks, doing everything in their power to make her feel loved. I will also do whatever it takes to make sure that she can live her life happily and without fear. I love my sister with all of my heart. ...but why couldn't anyone love me? I had to pick myself up, and the only reason I did was because of my siblings. I didn't want them to have to go through dealing with the suicide of their sibling. By no means am I done. I suffer with this every day. There isn't a day that I don't experience the complete numbing darkness of wondering "what is the point?" But I made the choice to live long ago. I decided that I wanted to be happy and find someone to love. And so I have to fight for this alone.It's not really my sister I'm mad at actually. Just frustrating to see that my family is capable of jumping into action when one of us can't stand up by ourselves, they just didn't do it with me.

Yes I know, Whiny whiny whine whine whine.

Anyways. What I worry about at this point, is I can feel myself falling apart again. I know it's happening. I'm starting to self harm again, not a lot or badly. But it's been a year since I last did it, and I've been so good at dealing with things in a more productive way, but now I'm starting to fall and I don't know how to stop it and its just escalating faster and faster. I feel bad because I know that Rob loves me and supports me, and never wants to see me sad or hurting. And I know that he doesn't know what to do, and all I'm doing is hurting him...so I hide it, like I'm good at. So he doesn't have to hurt with me. So no one has to hurt with me.I don't know how far it will go. Or when ill be able to pull myself out of it like I usually am, and I don't know how to stop it. So I just sink deeper into myself during the day, and then come home and curl up with him to make it go away for a few minutes. All I can hope is that it doesn't just break me one day.

Going downtown every few days for school is definitely not helping. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's a major contributor to my anxiety and depression.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011
2:44 pm
Just some more thoughts here and there

I think I'm becoming more content and comfortable. It's a nice change

I'm going to try and accomplish some things while I'm in this more upbeat mood.

-Start stretching and working out again
-Pursue the new store that wants to pick up my collection
-Get my liscence >.< finally
-Go out and catch up with some of the new people I've been chatting with lately
-Finish all this damn paper work so I don't have to think about it anymore
-Get a new tattoo
-Go to the movies
-Get a job, or make my self run business bring in a little more income
-Move to the city for the semester
-Don't hesitate to have fun
-Get over this social anxiety that keeps me at home, or makes me drink too much when I go out
-Stop socially smokin
-Stop self harming
-Start liking myself a little bit more
-Fix this hip thing!

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011
7:08 am
 2 hours of sleep to finish end of the term projects.
I keep seeing cats out of the corner of my eye that dissappear when I go to look directly at them.
Combination of exhaustion and severely missing my kitties lol

I've never wanted a nap so badly in my life
Tuesday, April 12th, 2011
3:25 pm
Lost and confused, what else is new
So huge breakdown over the weekend...well twice

I'm having some serious self worth issues right now. As much as I try to feel better about myself, two seconds of thinking about the things that make me upset unravels all of my hard work and suddenly I'm completely self loathing again. I have all of these ideas on how I could make myself more likeable to me, but then that thing pops into my head and I go, whats the point. I'll never be good enough anyways.

Its really bothering me as well that no one around me seems to understand how my brain works. I don't choose to feel this way, I don't choose to be this sensitive to things, I don't choose to be so insecure, I don't choose to hate myself, and I'm not trying to make others feel as bad as I do. I just need the people around me to sympathize with me. To be sensitive to the things that set me off, instead of getting angry at me when they do set me off. My reactions to things are intense and extreme, but usually short lived. I usually blow up at something and then regret it immediatly afterwards because I know that I've over reacted, but I can't help doing that. I would think/hope that the people closest to me would have started to understand this by now, but I can just feel peoples growing resentment towards me. My depression is met with anger these days, and that just makes it worse.

Rawr, I hate my brain.

I really need a therapist lol

Anyways. This is my last week of school. Thank god. School is the absolute worst thing for my mental health. I have a few projects due tomorrow that will probably keep me up all night, and then one critique day after that at some point...which is stupid btw

When I go home this week I'm going to look at dance studio's in the area. I want to see if any of them have summer programs that I could get involved in. I've been stretching and strengthening daily in anticipation.

Out of all the uncertainties, and all the things in my mind that tell me I can't do things and that I'm not good enough, wanting to take dance classes has been the only constant. I've never not wanted to go. I've tried to talk myself out of it...because thats what my traitorous brain does, but it just doesn't seem to take. I'm determined to learn to dance, I am determined to get onto pointe shoes within the next year-two years tops. I can't really understand or explain why my determination for this one thing is so strong...it just is. And it's kind of refreshing to want something this bad that can never reject me. It will always want me as much as I want it. It's wonderful ^^

I think once I start dancing I'm going to document my growth. Pictures, video's whatever. I'll document my flexibility, growing strength, and as I graduate onto pointe, some of my dances. Hopefully it will keep me motivated, and make me proud of myself for once.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2011
1:50 pm
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/id-bFpYQzXE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Add a little beauty to your day
Tuesday, April 5th, 2011
5:16 pm
 One of my cousins is pregnant ^^ It's so sweet
I'm excited for her

I'm sure she'll be an excellent mother.
It amazes me that she's having a baby, she's still so young. Or maybe I just think its so young because I'm only a few years off and don't feel like my life is anywhere near hers.

I think I'm to afraid to have kids. The last thing I want is for my child to have any of the feelings I have, or face any of the same hardships. And I'm TERRIFIED of ending up like my own mom and royally screwing any child I have in the head. I really don't want to end up being her.

My cousin is going to be in great hands though. Luckily her mother married into the good side of my family lol. My moms side is completely psychotic, no one is without emotional problems

The other side of the family is 99% normal and functioning, with an extremely close knit, laid back and loving atmosphere.
12:52 am
 I hate me
Monday, March 28th, 2011
12:22 am
Writer's Block: School days
Do you think kids should learn about sex in school, and why?

Absolutely. Abstinence only sex education is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard of, and not telling students about the facts plain and simple is not going to stop them from having sex.

My school had very limited sex education. I went to a catholic school so it was predominantly abstinence only sex education. This meant we watch a few painful looking birthing video's, and we're taught to be able to correctly label the diagrams of a penis and a vagina. We were not taught about condoms, birth control, or the myriad of diseases you can contract via sex. We were not taught which myths about pregnancy were false, and which were true. We were not told how easy it can be to get pregnant accidentally. We were not told how to obtain birth control, or the statistics of condom success and failure. I had to teach myself pretty much everything about sex education.

This lack of knowledge and telling us that it was wrong to have sex before marriage, and that we just shouldn't do it did not stop many students from doing so anyways. We had 3 pregnant teens that followed through with their pregnancies, and a few students who had, had abortions because they were not aware of the protection that they could have been using. Both are an immense burden for students that young to carry. And this happened within the 4 years that I was in highschool. I'm sure there have been many more similar cases since.
Teaching students about sex, is not going to convince them to have sex. They're going to have it if they want to, whether or not you educate them about it. If we educate them though, we may be able to prevent these unwanted pregnancies and std's from screwing up the rest of their lives.
Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
3:38 pm
Fuck you for breaking me
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
1:40 pm
Recently one of my favorite pairs of pants ripped with me in them, when I went to buy new ones I realized that I had gone up not one pant size, but two! Having been a size 0 not even a year ago it was very hard to see such a high number. But I guess gaining weight is inevitable when you start eating more than twice a week ;D

Being very displeased with the way I was starting to look, but enjoying eating too much to start starving again, I started to do some simple exercises at home, lunges, squats, weights etc. The toning was nice, but the results were small.

The week after school started, some classmates of mine were entertaining the idea of going as a group to workout on Mondays. Due to a class change we were supposed to have a 4 hour break that day. Unfortunately the class change never happened, and we never went to work out. Last Monday I saw my big opportunity to get back in shape. I was asked to babysit my siblings for the week at my mothers house. Luckily enough, she had a treadmill. I found myself too lazy to use it the first night, but the second night, after one of my classes was canceled and I had too much time on my hands, I decided to go for a run. After a year of smoking I didn't think that I would have the stamina or lung capacity to run for a very long time, but lo and behold I rand for twice as long as I thought I could.

Ever since then I've been hooked. I've run for at least a half hour every day, no matter where I am, no matter the weather, and I think I'm in love.

I'm fairly sure people are getting tired of me talking about it because I talk about it every day after I get back from a run. But luckily I don't care. I'm so happy to have found a perfect outlet, an easy way too lose weight, a simple way to get outside more often, and a goal every day. I know it's not much, but it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something every day. It's one of the first addictions I've had that wasn't self destructive and it's wonderful. The best things about it, are watching my leg muscles re-emerge, and finally being able to breathe properly. Though a year of smoking isn't that long, it did a number on my lungs. I was having difficulty walking at a decent speed and talking at the same time without gasping for air. >.> Not impressive lol.

I like running by myself, but I think as I get better at it I'll try to find someone to be my running partner ^^ could be fun.

Oh look at that, one of the first positive posts of the year XD Go me!

Monday, November 9th, 2009
11:19 am
Being in school just reinforces my general distaste for people.
10:29 am
Bring me a wife <3
I desire to marry Fiona Apple ^^

...enough said
Sunday, November 8th, 2009
8:55 pm
A little annoyed, but hey in a journal it's to be expected
I'm a little pissed off. I'm aware that most don't care, but that being said this is mostly for me, so too bad for you.

I'm in a one year art program in college, which I think is great. Granted being back at school is only fueling my general distaste for my own generation. However the school itself and a few of my teachers make the experience rather enjoyable. My grades are among the highest I've ever gotten. Highest being a 92 lowest a 73 which for me is not bad, and those are only the pre mid term marks so I know I can get them higher.
Now seeing as I'm proud of myself, the one thing I hope for is that someone else be proud of me too. Of course that's too much to ask though. I have a mother who complains about my past grades and their inability to get me a scholarship, or the fact that my 73% mark is shameful and not up to par. Which, I get it, she thinks I can do better, but really all I want to hear is "good work".
I would like if the other parent would get his nose out of the vodka and rum for long enough to even ask what my grades are.

The other thing that's been pissing me off is the fact that everyone seems to be belittling the amount of work I have to do. They're all stressed, have a lot of work, which I get. It's almost mid terms, of course everyone's busy. But that doesn't mean I'm not. Just because I'm in art doesn't mean that I don't spend hours upon hours working, stressed out over finishing a project. Just because I enjoy what I'm doing doesn't mean I don't have just as much work to finish as you do. Doesn't mean that I'm just flailing around for a year doing jack shit.
I'm so fucking tired of people giving me that "oh you, complaining about nothing look" when I counter their constant complaining about how much work they have to do, with a taste of what work I also have to do. Or when people cut me off when I'm telling them about my list of projects, like they aren't important, like their work is a much bigger deal.

I'm trying to be nice and give everyone the benefit of the doubt by holding my tongue. I know everyone's busy and stressed out so I'm just letting it go for now, but I swear to god if people don't cut me some fucking slack and soon I'm going to pop a vein.

If anyone read that I'm sorry for wasting your time...I really just needed a place to vent. I expect to be doing this again soon lol

Thursday, January 15th, 2009
3:14 pm
To Do List
To Do

1.Buy 2 metres of blue crushed velvet fabric
2.Write up for art
3.Write up for Fashion
4.Duvet cover for fashion
5.Personal card for fashion
6.Create porfolio
7.Publish story
8.Apply for job
9.Apply for college
10.Finish 2 paintings
Friday, November 21st, 2008
12:25 pm
my story, give it a read if you please ^^
Sunday, August 31st, 2008
6:31 pm
"high maintenance"... "the virgin suicides" "all we ever wanted was everything" "white oleander"
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
6:42 pm
I don't want to be in this country
I don't want to be in this state
I don't want to be in this hotel
I don't want to be in this room
I don't want to be in this body
I don't want to be in this life
...take it away
12:21 am
I'm not your trial run
I'm not your mistake
Do not make an example of me
How you failed to raise me
I am not the corruptor
Do not tell me that this is all my fault
Because of you I died
I hate myself
All of my "disorders" I never fully recovered from
Everytime it gets better, you shake it up again
Sometimes I wonder if you want to see me break
Stop justifying all that you've done, by blaming it on me
"I didn't know she was going to be like that"
"She internalizes, how could I see that something was wrong"
"You don't cut anymore do you?" ..."no"..."ok good"
"Are you anorexic?" ..."No."..."ok, sorry for asking"
You will never understand how much I hate you, how much I love you
How much you kill me with every word
Fuck you
"Words are like bullets...once they hit the mark, you can't put them back in the gun"
Friday, June 6th, 2008
10:37 pm
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but what I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day
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